The world is round at night, every crest beginning the long road back to where we are right now. When I was young I used to imagine digging a hole through the earth, I would finger the cardboard globe, estimating that I'd stick my head up through the dirt somewhere in Turkey and yell "Surprise!" Now I think less of digging through the world and just about traveling over it, which everyone knows will just lead you right back to where you started.
It's hard to not feel stuck these days. I say to her today that I'm afraid of opening my slip of paper on Sunday morning at our annual New Year service at church. I'm afraid to read what I wrote a year ago because I'm afraid not much has changed. I'm sure I prayed for vision, for a plan, to not feel so aimless, and for hope and a future. I'm sure that what I write on 2010's slip will read much the same. I'm a predictable sort. Too predictable.
It's no secret that I've been trying to make theology real in the past few months. Nebulous thoughts and things I previously ascribed to, I'm now really just trying to work out. I want what I believe to be realized and worked out in every fiber of me--not just a thesis I hand to whomever asks. It's changing the way I see people and it's changing the way I see Jesus, but it's not yet changing the way I see me. I'm confident that it will, but it seems that the more I see of Jesus and the more I see of people, the more I want to be a part of what He's doing in them and in the world. It's hard to feel like I'm doing that from here.
I'm not saying it's not happening. I'm just saying that staying right here, doing all of this, feels like being stuck. Feels like ending up where I started every single day.
So 2010, everyone's talking about a new decade, a new start. I'm not asking much except this: please show me a different side of the world? Please unstick me from here, if even for a week, a month. Please show me more of God, more of people. Please give me something different to write on my card for 2011. And I know that this is asking a lot, but please don't disappoint me.
It's hard to not feel stuck these days. I say to her today that I'm afraid of opening my slip of paper on Sunday morning at our annual New Year service at church. I'm afraid to read what I wrote a year ago because I'm afraid not much has changed. I'm sure I prayed for vision, for a plan, to not feel so aimless, and for hope and a future. I'm sure that what I write on 2010's slip will read much the same. I'm a predictable sort. Too predictable.
It's no secret that I've been trying to make theology real in the past few months. Nebulous thoughts and things I previously ascribed to, I'm now really just trying to work out. I want what I believe to be realized and worked out in every fiber of me--not just a thesis I hand to whomever asks. It's changing the way I see people and it's changing the way I see Jesus, but it's not yet changing the way I see me. I'm confident that it will, but it seems that the more I see of Jesus and the more I see of people, the more I want to be a part of what He's doing in them and in the world. It's hard to feel like I'm doing that from here.
I'm not saying it's not happening. I'm just saying that staying right here, doing all of this, feels like being stuck. Feels like ending up where I started every single day.
So 2010, everyone's talking about a new decade, a new start. I'm not asking much except this: please show me a different side of the world? Please unstick me from here, if even for a week, a month. Please show me more of God, more of people. Please give me something different to write on my card for 2011. And I know that this is asking a lot, but please don't disappoint me.
posted by Lore at 31.12.09
2 Comments:
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