I went for a long walk today, slipping into a coat from the hooks by the door, feeling inside the pocket, finding an unexpected gift, if one can call a forgotten wad of money in one's own coat a gift. I do though. The gift continued: a long phone call with a good friend who asks how I am, then how I really am, and after I finish, he asks again, just to make sure. I return the favor. It's a joke between us, but it's one for which I am grateful. The gift continued: walking along a back road, my shoes marking in the moist earth on the sides, spotting a herd of deer watering by a noisy brook.

All the water around here is noisy right now, it falls from the high peaks around us, melting faster than it can recede from the banks; rushing wildly, falling madly, white and furious. I think about my Saturday and I think I will take a hike to a nearby haunt and I will sit above the crashing water and listen to its silent roar.

The gifting continues: for the first time we tie in a scrabble game. Impressive scores of 314 points each.

"Are you happy" He asked. And I knew the right answer is "Yes. Yes I'm happy." But it doesn't really matter, does it? Whether I am happy or not. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that He asks, on occasion, because my goal isn't only to know His heart--it's to let Him know mine too. And so He asks and I try to be honest. It's hard to be honest with Him though, because I long so much for Him to not know that sometimes the answer is no. No, I'm not happy. I want to cover over all the weakness, hurt, and insufficiency, and call myself happy because I know that's what He wants.

Or I think that's what he wants.

But today, and lately, I think that what He really wants is for me to know that He's gifting me. Giving to, not expecting from.

So today, I receive.

And yes. Yes, I am happy.